


hold me only as close as i need to get

by gabriphales



Series: gomens drabble hell [27]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Friends With Benefits, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Referenced Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:34:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23923942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabriphales/pseuds/gabriphales
Summary: gabriel's there for aziraphale after his and crowley's mishap of a conversation in the sixties
Relationships: Aziraphale/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Series: gomens drabble hell [27]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1664713
Kudos: 16





	hold me only as close as i need to get

**Author's Note:**

> this couldve been sm angstier i wrote this at 2 am hello

the bookshop door closes heavy behind aziraphale. its familiar bell chime a faint mockery of aziraphale's usual comfort stepping into the place he calls home. now, he doesn't feel he deserves that comfort. now he's actively denying himself it. clenching down on that feeling in his chest before it has the chance to take off. just like he's done with so many feelings before.

he settles into his arm chair whispering some litany of self-loathing under his breath. head in his hands, spine aching as he curls in on himself. how can this body feel so aged, yet so undeniably immortal at the same time? he'll never die, he knows that. and sometimes, sometimes that's scarier than having a fate to look forward to. there'll never be an end to this. no easy way out. if he wants to let himself off gently, he'll have to find the means, and actually go through with it.

it's not that he wants to die. it's just that not dying is seeming less and less positive as the years go on, and aziraphale isn't sure he quite wants to endure what's in store for him. eternity, a restless, vague eternity.

the door bell chimes again. aziraphale's nerves are set on fire. 

"dear gentlemen, i'm afraid the bookshop is quite past closing hours - " he starts to say, though the words fall short, fainting on his tongue as his eyes grace a face he hasn't seen in so very long. some form of comfort, some ideal he's never understood, but appreciated what he can do for him nonetheless.

"oh, _gabriel._ " he says, making a point of languishing with every aspect and inflection of his tone. he's melodramatic as he throws himself into gabriel's arms, acting his part, as he knows gabriel can't resist the opportunity to nourish something that needs to be cared for. hands trembling, toes curling as he stretches himself in increments to meet gabriel's mouth. it's already waiting, warm and open for him.

they kiss for some amount of time, the same amount of time aziraphale's been dithering at home, it seems. as if to make up for the painful agonies of love denied, gabriel's lips the antithesis to everything in aziraphale that _screams_ he needs crowley to survive. which he does, admittedly. and he makes no bones about it. gabriel's just very good at helping him forget it. he likes to forget what he doesn't want to know.

"i could feel you were upset." gabriel tells him, breathless as he pulls away. "what's wrong?"

"nothing, nothing." aziraphale shushes, unconvincing to a point. he's not trying to reassure gabriel, he's just saving face. being modest about his feelings, in hopes of making the landing softer tomorrow morning when he remembers what he's done. gabriel will know he's lying, anyways. he always does.

"hush, it's alright. you can be honest with me." gabriel says, ruffling through aziraphale's hair in that coddling, overprotective way that had once bothered him. now it only makes aziraphale warmer for his pains. heating the underbelly of his cold, quiet suffering that he just _barely_ keeps to himself. only enough to not be obvious, yet still easily seen. he wants attention, wants babying and soothing and smothering to an obnoxious extent. it's better than nothing, at least. better than the lack of something.

"and if you can't be honest with me..." gabriel starts, taking aziraphale's hand, and placing it against his chest, right over his heart. 

"you can be honest with this, yeah? tell me how you're feeling, even if it's without words. i'm here for whatever you need."

and aziraphale knows what he means by that. aziraphale doesn't have to try. he's only a little bit shameful as he flicks the last of his dim lights out. dragging gabriel off to his backroom, and never letting go of his wrist the whole while. it's something to hold onto, and he's been severely depleted of that. gabriel's warm enough to be good company, and enthusiastic enough to be a good lover. 

he's enough to satiate aziraphale, for now. and the asterisk that lies at the end of that sentence sits under aziraphale's skin, itching and burning in a way that can only be ignored when he's got gabriel's hands on him.

he wouldn't call it love. but he knows gabriel would. and he hates to admit he likes knowing that.


End file.
